Shady Goings On

No… really he does!

Look and see for yourself:
Simon Swears

We’ll here’s a nice camera that I’d like for the wedding, and to take on the honeymoon.
Not sure if my lady likes it, but I’ll ask next time she’s awake

see ya

Ok,

so I’ve failed to mention it so far, but I expect that anyone reading this will already know… So who are you??? But anyway, I’m soon to be married and this of course required a stag party (that’s a bachelor party to you yanks).
Well we (me and Paul) went on down to Bristol on Friday, in the pouring rain, and met with most of the lads (Rhid, Dom, Daz, John), the rest to meet us the next night. Had a few beers and reminiscing and having a laugh, a mere £6.50 for two pints of wife-beater a joke compared with our northern prices.
Up early next morning for hotel-full-english (lacking in protein for sure) and off to find the activities center. At this point I was absolutely clueless as to what we are doing and where we are going. It also seems that Daz also has no idea but since we are following him, and he’s organised the whole thing, then this is not a good situation to be in. Also, everyone in that car had their phones switched off which didn’t help.
So we eventually find out way to a pub nearby the centre and have a few beers and a banter on the phone with the lads we’re meeting later. Shame they could not make it for this part cos’ I’m sure they’d have loved it. Steve also joined us at this point, after a lengthy drive down.

We moved on to the centre and the chap explained what we’d be doing: quad-biking, clay shooting and racing Honda Pilots.

The quad bikes where quite hard to handle at first: a great deal of movement is required to turn the thing, not only in the handlebars, but also moving your whole body to prevent the thing from rolling. This is the trick to getting round the circuit fast, which Paul managed excellently. He would have beaten me was it not for a downed gate marker. Everyone else had a great time on these things too, and it would be hard not to, but it has to be said that some people took to these better than others.

The Pilots were a completely different story, you can really chuck these about and they won’t topple or feel unsteady at all, in fact the arse-end just comes out and you slide round the bend. The ground had dried out considerably from the previous nights rain which made for a bumpy and dusty ride. I’m sure they’d be great in the wet but at least we had some control in the dry. Once again I did well on this event, and was beaten only by Paul by 0.5 (?) of a second. Others once again came in with different times, with a few surprises.

Next up was clay pigeon shooting. Seeing as I went first for everything else, it seemed natural for me to be first at this too. He showed me how the gun worked, how to empty the cartridges from the barrel, how to aim etc and I must say it was all a bit easier than I expected. He then went in to what we would be doing: at the bottom of the field there’s a ‘trap’, when he presses the button it launches a clay quite high but slightly towards where I’m standing. When the clay is above the line of the trees (so that you can see it!) you follow it with your gun and as it reaches it highest point you pull the trigger. Then with a bit off luck you will see the clay smash into tiny bits! There was also a trap right next to us that fired the clay away and quite high, you have to be quick to soot these as it just gets harder otherwise!. Well maybe I make that sound easier than it is, but it’s not far from the truth.
A few practice rounds later and we’re into the competition. First you get one from the bottom of the field, followed by another from next to you as soon as you take the first one out. Do that three times and there you go. This left several people as joint 1st, 2nd and 3rd and so we had to have a shoot out. This involved both the traps being fired at the same time, and you get what you can. Unfortunately this led to me loosing my joint 1st place to drop to 4th in the shooting! The shooting was quite varied from most people but John was definitely a force to be reckoned with once he’d got used to the gun.

Paul turned out as overall winner and so he was presented with a massive bottle of champagne! He was kind enough to share it around though (he was driving) and after that little tipple we all headed back to the hotel. I had a dig earlier at someone’s directions, and I’ll follow that up by saying that I directed us back in a fraction of the time, and that was with another one in the convoy. Heh heh.

One hour and a couple of luke warm beers later and we’re heading down into town to meet Ben, Paul and Boozy. Despite helpful words from Ben (where are ya? Get you’re butts down here) it took us some time to find our way down to the bar, but there were drink waiting for me on the bar and that’s never a bad thing. Few drinks later and we’re in Yates’s for food and more beers, including a couple of test tubes! I would go into more detail but from here on in things get blurred.
Some things I do remember and deserve a mention are: more bars, cigars, walking, more bars, walking, a lap dance club, drinks, a £10 dance (Cheers Paul), Dazs grin, £60, night club, more drinks and dancing, losing everyone (as is traditional), finding everyone and more beers, kebab van, dodgy taxi (I take that back - it wasn’t a taxi at all) and hotel.
Morning was not as bad as I expected, at least once I washed my ear. Breakfast was once again a 1/2 english, and after packing bags we all made our way off in to the sunset.

All that’s left to say is thank you all, I had a great time and it was good to see you all again, we should not leave it so long next time.
Those of you who did not make it, it was a shame as you missed a great night out.

Photos etc will be posted shortly on a separate entry, stay tuned.

Paul had a great idea of a Stag Anniversary which I fully intend to carry out.

See ya at the wedding.

Yes, I know it’s been a long time coming, but you may remember that I had a stake or two on the Big Brother winner. Well I just remembered that I’d not let anyone know what the outcome was… I’m sure you all know that Nadia won, and this was the best outcome fo me: �9.80 up.

Not bad for a first effort.

Lately I’ve been trying my hand on the olympics, and had some small wins and looses leaving me about �5 up. I’m going to keep on with small bets, and hopefully make a bit more.
I’m also playing around with Gamespy Arcade Poker, but that’s just for fun. Shame really cos I’m $1000 up after only 3 hands!

See ya,

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. “So, how’s your sex life?”
“Oh, nothing special. I’m having Social Security sex.”
“Social Security sex?” “Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not
enough to live on!”

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we’re in bed and my Husband climaxes, he lets out this ear
splitting yell.”
“My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the
problem is.” “The problem is,” she complained, “It wakes me up!”

QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session, “How come you never tell me when you
have an orgasm?”
She glanced at him casually and replied, “You’re never home!”

CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and torn
from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him
back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery, since
it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for “small, $6,500 for “medium,
$14,000 for “large.”
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called
his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into
the room, and found the man looking dejected. “Well, what have the two of
you decided?” asked the doctor.
The man answered, “She’d rather have a new kitchen”.

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary. The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone
that reads: ‘Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever’.”
“Yeah,” she replies, “when you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads:
‘Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last’”

HAPPY SEX :
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest
woman in the world.” The woman says… “I’ll miss you.”

Check out these neat business cards some of them are well cool.
I’ll be having some when I’m doing nice websites for other people.

Or if you wanna buy me some, please go ahead

See ya